They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but have they ever encountered a mother running on nothing but the fumes of a tepid coffee and two hours of sleep, who’s just been asked for a snack for the 85th time that afternoon? Now that’s a fiery path I wouldn’t push my worst enemy into. Sadly for Chappell Roan, whose comments about childrearing on a recent episode of Call Her Daddy have led to an endless spray of spite from all corners of the internet, it’s a path that’s been thrust upon her.
Such is the parenting complex these days, that there’s very little one can say to avoid such a treacherous road. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t – and don’t even think about commenting on the state of play if you’re child-free – no sirree!
So what, pray tell, has Chappell Roan done to deserve such furore? According to the always-balanced and never-judgemental views emerging from the depths of the digital mother’s group, she dared to offer up an anecdote about kids, that she’s observed in her own friendship group.
“All of my friends who have kids are in hell,” Roan told host Alex Cooper. “I actually don’t know anyone who’s happy and has children at this age … I’ve literally not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, who has slept.”
Come again? A 27-year-old, whose own – assumedly similarly-aged friends – are still fighting for their lives in the early childhood trenches and being honest about it? Where’s the lie?
If you, too, are still struggling to see the point of contention here, then it’s likely you’ve also served in the same battlegrounds. And, have either emerged from them with enough hindsight to hold space for those yet to, or are wading through the mess in real time, yourself.
To ignore (or even protest) such an experience makes light of the statistics that tell us otherwise. Globally, about 20% of new mothers experience mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety, a societal oversight that clinical psychologist Frances Bilbao says, only serves to reinforce the status quo.
“There’s much emphasis on pregnancy and birth, but insufficient attention to what follows —sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, and identity changes,” she says of the often-unspoken toll one’s postpartum reality can take.
“There’s a misconception that struggling with the challenges of motherhood means you don’t love your child. We need to change that narrative.” Of course, sharing the pitfalls of parenting should be considered just one of myriad ways parenting can alter our sense of self, and as in all aspects of life, a singular story never provides the whole picture.
In the days following that Chappell Roan Call Her Daddy episode, there’s been some big feelings bubbling up to the surface that run the spectrum from “not all mothers” to accusing Roan of betraying her friends with her “insensitive” remarks.
One TikTok user @thisisittv called out Roan for failing to provide a “safe space” for her friends to vent. Another praised Roan sharing her views on motherhood, and where it fits in with her own aspirations, as a personal choice that doesn’t impact anyone apart from her.
“Chappell Roan doesn’t need to hold your hand when she says things. If you’re angry at people for choosing a child free life, you need to do a bit of soul searching and figure out where you went wrong. Society lies to women all the time, and every time one of us exposes that lie to the light of day, the ones who fell for it start to kick out in an effort to convince themselves and others that the status quo must continue,” writes TikTok user @tailor_and_paws.
As a mother of two under seven myself, there’s no one I know in the same boat, who would judge anyone for feeling one way or the other – especially when research tells us just how significant the cost of childrearing can be across all aspects of a woman’s life.
Throw in a cultural shift that’s paved the way for the rise of Tradwives and their blissfully curated portrayal of motherhood and domestic life, and we’ve created yet another impossible set of standards to pile into the pressure cooker of parenting perfectionism.
Is it any wonder, then, that Chappell Roan’s own views are being shaped by the disorientating, divisive and frankly, unachievable expectations of mothering she’s (rightfully) observing? Or are those joining the chorus of discontent just trying to quiet the noise inside their own head that’s telling them otherwise?
It goes without saying that, while no one’s road to parenthood is as clear cut as some might strive to achieve (or believe), and that the joys of childrearing are undeniably great and many, there’s nothing mutually exclusive about either experience, and we would do well to remind ourselves of that.
