The inquest into the brutal murder of 21-year-old Lilie James has revealed a devastatingly calculated formula of coercive control utilised by her murderer, Paul Thijssen.
Though the term may appear in the public lexicon often enough, the evidence detailed during the court proceedings painted a stark picture of the disconnect between a tale so often told by victim survivors of gendered abuse – yet so rarely listened to.
Over the course of the inquest, descriptions of Thijssen’s meticulously planned murder were interspersed with expert commentary that labelled his insidious behaviour as technology-facilitated abuse, stalking and coercive control.
While the murderer’s true motive remains unclear (Thijssen chose to end his life rather than face the consequences of his grave actions), the experts agreed that the violence displayed was an indicator of Thijssen’s fragile sense of self.
According to expert testimony from Dr Katie Seidler, a clinical and forensic psychologist, Thijssen was terrified at the thought of losing control – of both James and the relationship narrative he’d been so intent on crafting.
She suspected that, in “projecting an image of perfection, and having it all together, and being the great guy that was competent in everything,” Thijssen displayed a “desire to control the public narrative and was afraid what people would think of him if a different narrative came out.”
“At its foundational level, this is a man who couldn’t cope with how he was feeling, and he neutralised that threat by killing another person,” continued Seidler. An egregious act, agreed consultant forensic psychiatrist, Danny Sullivan, that “can only be taken that he had formed a hatred of Ms James based upon the fact that she had rejected him, and he punished her by killing her.”
The Coercive Control Red Flags Raised
Coercive control does not discriminate – all women from all walks of life can be impacted, with tragic outcomes.
It’s a “malign pattern of domination” that can include various forms of abuse, including “emotional abuse, historical abuse, isolation, sexual coercion, financial abuse, cyber-stalking, and other distal forms of intimidation,” explains sociologist Professor Evan Stark from Rutgers University.
We know that coercive behaviours are a proven red flag for domestic violence and homicide, and, as evidenced by testimony shared throughout the inquest, we know that Thijssen exercised these controlling behaviours over James in the lead up to her death.
The court heard of his history of abuse in previous relationships and how lies, manipulation and physical monitoring of both James’ home and workplace, were just part of the pattern of coercive control.
“She was trying to set boundaries in terms of the relationship and was trying to extricate herself from the relationship,” Anna Butler, manager of the NSW domestic violence death review team, told the court.
“And he partook in behaviours that denied her autonomy and agency in attempting to leave. He utilised manipulative and emotionally abusive tactics to erase her sense of self. He gaslit her and used derogatory language as she attempted to push back against his control.”
The court listened as a friend testified that Thijssen, consumed by the thought of James attending a party where she’d told him her ex would be, “was stressing and checking Lilie’s location on Snapchat.”
Misinterpreted by the friend as an indicator of his affections, the friend responded to Thijssen’s worrying behaviour by stating “you like her more than what you say if you are worried and checking on her.” The response, though at surface level appears innocent enough, highlights the prevalence of an ingrained societal conflation between care and concern – and actual controlling motives.
Such misinterpretation, attested Associate Professor Kate Fitz-Gibbon, an expert on intimate partner homicide at Monash University, assumes “that [behaviour] was coming from a place of kindness, a place of love” and “points to the significant need for educational awareness among young people that this can be … sinister.”
Similarly, E-Safety Commissioner Julie Inman Grant, told the inquest that one in four 10 to 17-year-olds had “experienced some form of tracking monitoring and harassment,” – a glaring statistic that speaks to wider concern about the normalisation of such dangerous patterns of behaviour.
“Monitoring through a range of different platforms, including different social media products, is well recognised as a form of digital coercive control,” Fitzgibbon said, concluding that Thijssen’s actions were an example of “technology-facilitated abuse.”
A Chilling Reality
As the parents of Lilie James addressed the court with an emotional statement reiterating the importance of “teaching boys how to accept and value a woman’s opinions and choices and accept rejection,” their calls echo a growing cultural concern, both at home, and across the world.
Their pleas come at a time when extremist misogyny – perpetrated by political shifts and evidenced in a worrying increase in gender based violence – is taking hold.
One only has to look to the discourse around Netflix’s critically acclaimed Adolescence, which tackles the growing influence of what the government has labelled “the algorithm of disrespect,” to see just how insidious ideologies like the ones identified in the show, have become.
Also known as the ‘manosphere‘ or a web of content designed and created to actively radicalise young people through the promotion of harmful masculinity, misogyny and an opposition to feminism, the disturbing impact is being felt far and wide.
Throughout the inquest, experts and witnesses all agreed that authorities and governments face a mammoth task when it comes to addressing these attitudes – a point brought home by Lilie’s parents’ closing remarks that warned our inability to eradicate these radical ideologies in young men, means “setting them up for failure.”
“Or, in our case, a moment of time we will never recover from”.
“To Lilie, we can promise you one thing: we will forever love you and never forget you.”
If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service or contact Full Stop Australia.
Related article:
- Lilie James’ Murder Was Rehearsed And Planned For Days
- Much Like ‘Adolescence’, Australian Boys Are Falling Victim To The Manosphere
- Why Men Need To Talk About Violence Against Women
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