It’s an overcast Saturday afternoon in Melbourne when I get the call to say I have a date flying into town this evening: he’s Italian, early thirties and five foot eight [173cm] in height. That last detail throws me slightly.
As a single woman who has lost a lot of trust to dating app deceit, I know there’s a good chance his height has been fudged. That’s OK, I reassure myself, I can work with a short king. I hang up, and start getting ready for my evening.
I arrive in the hotel bar just before six and instantly spot my date. He is pacing the marble lobby anxiously before giving me a small wave. My assumption was correct – the only way this man could pass for 5′ 8″ would be in a pair of my stilettos.
His forehead is damp with sweat, so I suggest we grab a drink for some social lubrication.
The small talk is as weak as a watered-down vodka shot – flat and disappointing. After he fails to ask a single question about me, I offer an icebreaker: “How are you liking Australia so far?” He replies that he thinks Australians are uncultured. I sigh, sliding back into my chair.
He talks about himself ad nauseam before I suggest we go upstairs to his hotel suite. The room is stale and soulless, which he makes no effort to disguise with the gentle hum of music or the suggestion of room-service champagne.
After what feels like minutes of him hovering awkwardly by the entrance, I break the silence. “How about a massage?” I say, making my way over to the bed. “Why don’t you massage me first?” he responds.
I let my unimpressed expression answer his question. I remove my clothes and unveil my naked body. Without music to set the romantic ambience, the awkwardness radiates from his every pore.
He lathers the thick oil between his hands and I lie facedown on the bed. Without warning, he begins slapping the oil onto my back, as though it were a bottle of sunscreen on a high-UV summer’s day.
It’s clear he hasn’t applied enough oil, as the friction from his hands feel like a carpet burn as he drags my back in every kind of direction.
In a last effort to turn things around, I suggest we skip the foreplay and get straight into sex. In other words, I want to wrap this up and salvage what’s left of my Saturday night. He pulls a condom out of his wallet, sighs, and flops down on the bed beside me in defeat. I look over at him and realise he’s not erect.
Sitting on the edge of the mattress, he explains to me how men and women are different, and that men need a bit of help. He adds that he didn’t find me attractive and the reason things have gone south was because he didn’t have enough time to build a rapport. I send him on his way.
Walking out of the hotel, I feel slightly disappointed that he turned out to be a dud. But I also leave with the comfort that I’ve saved another woman from a potential disaster date.
I started working as a trialist for the female-focused male escort agency Her Confident in September last year. Its founder, Anna Grosman, whom I had previously met in the entrepreneurial space, reached out to ask if I would be interested in vetting some of her potential escorts.
I run my own business in the media industry and have been single for several years, so I figured it would save me swiping on the apps to find a date. Plus, despite the occasional dud, the men I’ve trialled have been some of the most enjoyable in my dating history. Think Leo Woodall lookalikes and uber-generous lovers who never ask if you want to split the bill.
The switch to my double life always begins with a phone call. Anna will tell me she has a man for me to trial, before giving me a general rundown
of who I’ll be screening.
Before I meet anyone, Anna has put them through a rigorous vetting process. Applicants fill out an extensive questionnaire and undergo sexual health and police checks. Then she interviews them via Zoom and face-to-face. A lot of men are misled by the job title and think they’ll be paid to have sex with attractive women. But that is not this job. The physical stuff is probably 5 per cent of the role.
Ahead of the date, each applicant is instructed in meticulous detail exactly how to lead the evening. We start with a drink, from 6–8pm. The first hour is crucial for creating a connection. I can often determine by the first drink if the applicant will get the job. After that, we go up to the room, which should be pre-set up by the wannabe escort with romantic music and a bottle of champagne. Bonus points if there’s a charcuterie board.
The sexual component is where men often show their true colours. The focus should be entirely on the woman, her comfort and his ability
to make her feel desirable. After spending the evening putting the applicant through their paces, I thank them for their time and send them on their way. On the drive home, I call Anna and run through the strengths and weaknesses of the candidate, which will determine
whether or not they get the job.
A good escort needs a high level of emotional maturity and the ability to build rapport quickly. He has to be able to push his nerves aside and manage that emotion, because the female client is likely going to be very nervous.
Often, she hasn’t had sex for years or she’s come out of a terrible marriage so she’s terrified of being naked in front of a man again. He has to be able to build anticipation and manufacture an intimate scenario with this woman, even if he’s not attracted to her. If you can’t put aside your feelings, then you’re probably not cut out for this line of work anyway.
As women, we have a need to feel seen, heard and wanted. Some women go through entire relationships never having those needs fulfilled. So when you hire an escort, it’s often more for your emotional needs than physical.
A lot of the women who use our escorts start with a social booking – the cinema, dinner or the ballet – before they move to intimacy.
Most of them are over 40. Often, they have come out of a relationship or have been single for a long time; some are still married and their husbands are either unwell or have cheated on them. There are also a lot of married women who just are not interested in their husbands anymore because they feel very disconnected from them.
Women are opting for this service because it’s transactional, so they don’t have to do any emotional or mental labour. Dating is exhausting, and this process makes you feel seen because it’s all about your needs and wants.
In my regular dating life, I’ve found that most men don’t care if I have an orgasm or even a good time. Vetting escorts as my side hustle means that I can meet men in a scenario where my pleasure is prioritised without the emotional commitment.
There have definitely been escorts I’ve been sexually attracted to. Most of those I’ve vetted have been respectful men who genuinely like women. I’ve found that most are either interested
in meeting new people or see it as an opportunity for personal development and growth outside of their full-time jobs.
It’s a challenge to find connection with a stranger, but it’s your job as the escort to find something attractive – if the plumbing doesn’t work, it’s not the job for you.
In this dynamic, women get to dictate what they want in the bedroom without the domestic drudgery attached to a relationship.
I feel that more women will start to opt for escorts because they don’t need to worry about living with a man, raising his children and still try to find him attractive as a lover when he doesn’t help around the house. Instead, women can tap in, tap out, all on their terms. This is the ultimate fantasy.
Right now, men and women are becoming disconnected. Women are more and more vocal about their dislike for men and their behaviours, and are no longer tolerating it. In the next five years, 45 per cent of women 25 to 44 will be single and child-free by choice.
The dynamics are changing, and this future state for women is being created where we have the autonomy and choice that we’ve never had before and we’re exercising it.
I am so happy that older women are now singing like canaries, so younger women can start to make different choices. It’s a fallacy that women are fulfilled through marriage and children, and are finally seeing that trap for what it is. For too long, female pleasure has been absent from the conversation, and we’re fed up. Now, we finally have the financial resources to make very different choices, and sexual autonomy is the first step.
*Name has been changed.
