Few people would argue that dating in your twenties is anything but a total minefield. And, while talking to your friends can be a cathartic way of letting your feelings out, there’s a good chance you’re still holding things back. Maybe you’re scared to admit how lonely you really are, or that your complicated relationship history is actively preventing you from trusting new people. Whatever it is, there are people who are better equipped and more qualified to coach you through those feelings.
When I was kindly offered a session with Sydney sex and relationship coach Alina Rose, I jumped at the chance. I had no idea what to expect or the kinds of things we’d talk about, but I figured it was as good an opportunity as ever to dig into my beliefs around dating (and myself).
Before the session, I filled out an online questionnaire which prepared me for the experience. It’s one of those things that asks you things that you’ve a) never considered or b) are too afraid to ask yourself. Difficult, but necessary.
On the day of the session, Alina collected me and we headed into her calming office space. She instantly made me feel at ease with a very warm, soothing energy, but once we sat down, I had an initial moment of panic, (because people usually get nervous when they know they’re about to do some hard, emotional work).
Before we got started, Alina explained her line of work and how it differs from mainstream therapy. This part is really important to distinguish if you’re choosing between the two, as they are quite different.
So, what is a relationship coach?
“We kind of see it outside of the realm of traditional psychology or therapy, because those things are for people who are usually level four satisfaction and below — it’s like a doctor for your soul and your emotions,” Alina said. “But sometimes, you just want to go from good to better to great, and that’s where alternative therapies come in to fill the gap for people who are pursuing self-realisation or even greater life satisfaction.”
Alina then explained that unlike psychologists, who often work to heal past versions of yourselves, relationship coaches work with the present version, which is great for people who are willing and ready to make changes right away.
Traditional therapy, Alina said, works with the rational mind and can sometimes be a longer road to unwire and relearn. Her area of expertise focuses on the subconscious mind, working to shift belief patterns a lot faster.
She then asked if I was ready to shorten the gap between my persona and my real self. I told her I was.
What happens in a relationship coach session?
The biggest talking point of my session with Alina revolved around the conflict I feel about re-entering the dating scene. Much like, well, everyone, I’ve faced hurt and heartbreak in the past and it’s been stopping me from meaningfully dating. Sure, I’ve been out on dates, but I always feel like I’m putting on a one-woman show, never really showing them who I really am — because if I don’t, I can’t get hurt. Solid logic, right?
Wrong.
“Our relationship with ourselves is always intricately linked to how much we can show our full self to someone else,” Alina told me.
“Until we really come to understand all the parts of who we are and that even the not-so-amazing parts of ourselves are still lovable, that’s when we can have really good relationships.”
Throughout the session, we worked with essential oils and goddess cards, ending with a powerful visual exercise which led me to a major breakthrough.
It was the “performance of dating” and the wearing of multiple hats that was really stressing me out, not so much the dating part itself. By the end, Alina had shown me that I actually know exactly who I am, I just need permission from other people to be it. I learned that the parts of myself that I thought were fighting and working against each other, were actually working towards a common goal, which was finding love and acceptance.
By the time we were finished, I felt like I needed to lie down. Not in a bad way, just the kind of feeling you get when you’ve done some deep soul-searching.
I’m not going to lie, some of it was uncomfortable. You’re being asked deep questions and sometimes it feels like you’re being asked the same question over and over again, but really what you’re doing is making it impossible to lie to yourself. By the end, you’ve reached a deeper level of truth than you’d ever get from talking with friends or even thinking about it in your own head. Let’s be honest, the majority of us will take the lighter load when it comes to emotional work.
Despite some of it feeling confronting, I never felt judged or rushed by Alina. She allowed for lengthy pauses of silence where she could tell I was mulling something over in my mind. She never made me doubt my answers or reasonings and gently pushed me to wade through muddy emotional waters that I’ve avoided for a long time. I found her approach to be incredibly soothing and insightful which is exactly what you need in moments of major vulnerability.
As someone who has never really stuck with the traditional therapy route, I found this session really enlightening. It was very much focused on the here-and-now, not the back-then, which is great for people who don’t like dwelling on the past.
I had no idea what to expect walking in, but by the time I walked out I felt as though an emotional burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Rather than feeling terrified and anxious of dating, I was excited to get out there and put what I’d learned into practice.
To finally feel more free of something that was holding you back for years – that’s something to be proud of.
You can find out more about Alina or book a session here.
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