What are the rules of friends with benefits?
Let’s start with the basics. Friends with benefits (or FWB) in dating terms can be with a new friend or an old one. For example, maybe you’re mates who just happen to be single at the same time. You already enjoy hanging out, the dating scene can be brutal, so why not add a bit of “no strings attached” fun into your friendship?
It sounds simple, but it can also lead to complications. Not everyone wants the ending of the 2011 movie Friends With Benefits to be theirs.
So, in order for a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship to be successful for both people, experts and our readers agree that there needs to be a strict set of rules.
1. Don’t get emotionally attached
“For ‘friends with benefits’ to work, you need to know how to keep a lid on your emotions without coming across as totally heartless,” Diana Parkinson tells Men’s Health.
But it’s not all women catching the feels, a survey by Dr Ed of 1,000 people found that 52 percent of men became emotionally attached in a FWB set-up, compared to just 44 percent of women.
On the other hand, if oxytocin (the love hormone) or the situation itself has you picturing babies and a walk down the aisle be honest with them. Just be wary that they may not feel the same way. Before getting into FWB, make sure you’re 100 percent fine with having sex without anything deeper.
2. The “friends” part is crucial
It can’t really be a friends with benefits relationship if they aren’t your friend. Look for a fun buddy at a party or another gathering of mutual friends. Research shows that being a friend of a friend makes people feel safe and ups your chances of casual sex.
3. Be clear about your expectations
You’re already friends, but now things are about to get personal on a whole new level. It’s important to be honest with each other about and exactly what you both want out of the situation to avoid any confusion or hard feelings.
4. Choose your FWB wisely
Before diving into a FWB arrangement, think carefully about how it will affect your friendship. Weight up the potential positives and negatives, and consider how you’d feel if the friendship turned sour.
There are also some friends it’s wise to avoid when it comes to FWBs. Got your eye on one of your work colleagues? That could compromise your career. Tempted to ask your best friend since high school, or your roommate? Not ideal. But your best friends boyfriends’ friend, who you don’t see a long term future with? Now we’re ready to tango!
5. Stay safe
Before you get it on with your friend, make sure you’ve got it on. This is a given for all bedroom rodeo-ing but by definition you are not obligated to be exclusive in a FWB. So it is crucial to use proper protection to stay STD-free and avoid an unplanned pregnancy. And remember to get regular check-ups with your GP to ensure it’s all good down there.
6. Watch out for jealousy
It’s easier said than done, but as a FWB set-up isn’t exclusive, make sure neither one of you gets jealous. Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers explains to Psychology Today, “If you find yourself getting jealous, be honest and tell your FWB partner, and the two of you can talk about whether the FWB relationship is truly working for both of you. If he’s the one who starts getting jealous, for example, and you also realize that you don’t want to get involved more seriously with him, it’s time to consider detaching and letting the benefits side of the relationship go.”
7. Check-in regularly
You don’t need to share everything with your FWB, but it is important to check in regularly to make sure you’re both still on the same page.
“If at some point you’re enjoying yourself too much and want to spend more time with your FWB, then it may be time to reevaluate the situation,” says relationship coach Ellin Bolin.
8. Keep in mind what it is
As lovely as a cuddle and a chat about your best qualities can be, remember that’s not really what you sign up for when you’re a friend with benefits. Make sure you have boundaries between intimate time and general hang out time.
If it’s getting confusing, you might even decide not to hanging out one-on-one outside of the bedroom. “Communication is about the where and whens of hooking up,” says relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad. “You are not building an intimate relationship, but rather just having fun and enjoying one another physically.”
9. Don’t get caught in a comfort zone
Say you’re having great, regular sex with your FWB. They know exactly how you like it and you know what gets them going, minus the arguments, drama and meeting the parents that comes from a serious relationship. At this point, it’s important to remember that all good things come to an end. Don’t get too comfortable with your FWB sessions, you might close yourself off from finding someone you could see a future with long-term.
10. Have a plan
As sneaky as you think you’re being around mutual friends, chances are you are going to get caught out. Before you end up in an uncomfortable pickle, work out your strategy. Are you going to keep your new arrangement under wraps or be open about it the next time you’re on a night out? Especially if you’re in the same group of friends.
11. Write your rule book
Well you don’t have to actually put pen to paper, but before you get down and dirty make sure you both set your boundaries. Are sleepovers a thing? Late night booty calls? Do you have a regular “scheduled catch up”? Figure it out now to save you both from headaches or heartache.
12. Don’t forget why you started (and when it’s time to end it)
No strings attached, good old fashioned romping! Be honest with exactly what you do and don’t like in bed and try new things. Have fun and enjoy yourself without all of those emotional ties. And when you’re not? It’s time to wave your goodbyes and move on.
How common are friends with benefits relationships?
If you’re looking into a FWB relationship, it turns on you’re not alone in fact research suggests that over 50% of people in their 20s have had such a relationship at least once. But why just once? marie claire asked its readers if they’d ever been in a fwb relationship.
“I told him I’d never have feelings for him and that this was a “post-breakup friends who have sex thing” and then three weeks later we were dating.” Lena*, 27.
“I did but I regret it. He’s a really funny guy and it was super fun and then he was keen to date so we dated for a month and I broke with him out the front of the science building. We’re still friends, I guess, I lost contact with him.” Belinda*, 24.
“We were FWB for six months, it worked great for about the first 4 months then I fell in love… three years later we’re still going strong.” Maggie*, 25.
“I’ve had a few and they weren’t always successful. I guess it’s a trial by error, if that makes sense? I didn’t know how to do it properly until it had failed a few times. Most of the time they’d messed up because while in my head I thought they were a friends with benefits situation, the other person did not. In reality I’d never addressed it.” Maxine, 24.
“I’ve had two fwb that were successful (not at the same time), we both were just aware of what the situation was and we didn’t push the boundaries into somewhere else (no dates or day to day constant messaging). They both just fizzled when I decided I was ready to look for something more meaningful.” Lucy*, 29.
*names have been changed
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