Comedian Nikki Glaser had the room, and viewers, in hysterics, as she took aim at Hollywood’s elite in her debut monologue as this year’s Golden Globes host.
From Timothée Chalamet’s moustache to Ben Affleck’s sex life – no one was spared from the host’s laser focus as she took on the impossible task of producing the comedic savagery needed to keep people on their toes with just enough subtlety to elicit second invite.
It’s the kind of undertaking that’s daunting at the best of times, but throw in the pressure of a follow-up from the unfortunate events of last year’s hosting job, and you’ve got yourself a near impossible ask.
But rather than add her name to the ranks of the hosting hall of infamy alongside current members Jo Koy (2024), Jerrod Carmichael (2023) and Jimmy Fallon (2017), what ensued was a far cry from the misfortune of her predecessors, with a stellar stand-up set that didn’t disappoint.
Nikki Glaser opened strong as she welcomed attendees to “Ozempic’s biggest night” before asking Ariana Grande to “hold my finger” while she proceeded to deliver a 9:49-minute monologue that proved she more than understood the assignment.
While not every one of her comedic remarks landed smoothly – the “Diddy Credit Card” gaffe failed to launch – it’s definitely the most successful hosting job we’ve seen a long time – and certainly one that warrants a round two, come 2026.
Below, a rundown of Nikki Glaser’s best jokes from her debut Globes performance.
The Best Celebrity Mentions From Nikki Glaser’s Golden Globes Monologue
Herself
“This feels like I finally made it. I’m in a room full of producers at the Beverly Hilton and this time all of my clothes are on. It was worth it.”
The Political Powerhouses
“I’m not here to roast you. And how could I? You’re all so famous, so talented, so powerful. I mean, you could really do anything – except tell the country who to vote for. But it’s okay. You’ll get them next time!”
Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban
“Nicole Kidman is here for Babygirl. That movie was so good, I give it two fingers up. This is your 20th Golden Globe nomination. I mean, incredible. Thank you so much for all of your hard work. And thank you to Keith Urban for playing guitar around the house so much that she wants to leave and make 18 movies a year. Keep strumming’ you kooky koala!”
Ben Affleck
“Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch – these are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.”
Angelina Jolie
“I cannot believe Angelina Jolie had to listen to my song about popes.”
Glen Powell
“What a year you’ve had! Glen Powell, you were in everything. Twisters, Hit Man, my head when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist. I’ll see you tonight.”
Timothée Chalamet
“Tilda Swinton is, of course, nominated this year for her role as Timothée Chalamet. Timothée Chalamet you have the most gorgeous eyelashes — on your upper lip. That is such a good look. You were so good and in A Complete Unknown as Bob Dylan. In fact, I read that your singing voice was so accurate that that even Bob Dylan admitted that it was absolutely horrible. You nailed it.”
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“The Bear, The Penguin, Baby Reindeer. These are not just things found in R.F.K’s freezer. These are TV shows nominated tonight.”
Selena Gomez & Benny Blanco
“Selena Gomez is here. Double nominee tonight. For Emilia Perez and Only Murders. She’s here with her new fiancé Benny Blanco. And Benny Blanco is here because of the Genie that granted him that wish. Man, lucky guy. I love you.”
Eddie Redmayne
“Eddie Redmayne did TV this year, he’s nominated for Peacock’s The Day of the Jackal. It’s about a top secret elite sniper that no one can find because he’s on Peacock. I think I’ve seen more actual peacocks in my life than a show on Peacock.”
Celebrity Tequila Brands
“Please remember, the point of making art is not winning an award. The point of making art is to start a tequila brand so popular you never have to make art again.”
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