“And we’re rolling. Rolling. Rolling on the river.”
Tina Turner’s 60’s classic Proud Mary was blasting through the stereo. In her version, she plays the first-half of the song at a funky half-pace…It’s like a sultry slow burn. All tease before a big release. And I was owning it.
‘’Left a big job in the city.
Working for the man every night and day.
And I never lost a moment of sleeping
worrying about the way things might have been…’’
Behind the wheel of my new classy AF hot rod I was a car karaoke diva in full-flight: tousling my hair, pouting at myself in the rear-view mirror and winking at strangers at the lights. I didn’t understand what was happening. I’d played this song plenty of my times in my reliable little hatchback and never had this reaction before. What kind of porn hell is this?
Well, this is what you can expect when you’re behind the wheel of a brand new sporty, Audi RS5 coupe.
Is it getting hot in here? Tina’s voice is raw in my ear. The low-slung curves of the leather-clad plush bucket seats perfectly hug my hips, the interior’s luxe-smooth surfaces are begging to be touched and caressed. The engine is throbbing.
Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
This vehicle is one sexy MOFO. From the slow-gliding adjustable front seats with heating (OMG!) and multiple massage option (YAAAS!!) to the low-lit interior trim lighting you can change to suit your mood (I chose a pulsating red – what the hell has happened to me?) and there are so many freakin Bang and Olufsen speakers I actually can’t count them all. If I was Kondo-ing the interior of this car, I wouldn’t give anything up. It all sparks intense, sensuous joy.
And that includes the uber-cool tech. The Virtual Cockpit driver display is an Audi original, lighting up the dash like a movie screen allowing you to swap in an instant between views of map navigation, trip information, phone functions and entertainment options. Likewise all the cool safety features are effortlessly integrated including options like adaptive cruise control, collision avoidance, self-parking assistance, emergency braking and side-door exit warning (in case you’re about to hit a random car or cyclist when opening a door).
But it’s the engine that makes driving this car addictive. Apparently, its former big dick-swinging 4.2 litre V8-engine has been replaced with a twin-turbo 2.9 litre V6. Whatever. All that I know is that baby goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds and when you flick that engine into sport mode and hit the accelerator, whoever is with you in the car screams like they’re on a Luna Park rollercoaster. Every.Single.Time.
No wonder those crazy Audi freaks kept tracking me down to share their own stories of Audi-awesomeness. Those Audi mega-fans are everywhere and they love to tell you – often without you even asking –the merits of the German mechanics, the lure of superior interiors and the brand’s orgasmic display of ergonomic brilliance. (Who are these people? Do they share a funny secret handshake? Are they on a secret pay roll?)
Whatever they might think, at this pointy end of the market there isn’t much that separates the sport-luxe vehicles – they all come packaged with premium features and a price tag to match. But when I squeezed the girls squad in the back of the car for a quickie joy ride – their squeals of hysterical Kondo joy will be impossible to replicate in any old car.
Sing it to me Tina:
“Big wheels keep on turning. Proud Mary keeps on burning. And we’re rolling, rolling, rolling on the river.’’
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