Anyone with children right now is probably feeling the same way I do. Scared of the unknown; anxious about getting through each day as we sit at home, awaiting the next alarming phone update; worried about what’s best for our kids; and wondering if we’re doing enough.
I have two children under five, and on top of that I’m 32 weeks pregnant. “What the hell have I gotten myself into?” I regularly ask myself.
At a time when I crave a sense of wholesome security, I feel like the world has become a movie set and all of us are mere actors in the latest apocalyptic Hollywood drama. Only this is real and none of us are reading from a script. We’re all making it up as we go along, doing our best to stay safe and calm.
As of last week, I have been working from home. They say pregnant people are at high risk if they contract COVID-19. Scary. But the scarier thing is that no one really knows what the virus could do to people, or to our communities.
As the Senior Fashion Editor of marie claire magazine, I usually work three days a week. Going into the office – doing my job and being around people – is one of the highlights of my week. “See ya, kids! Have a great day!” I say. It’s a tiny escape, a moment to feel the way I did before children. I love my job and cherish every opportunity to create visual fashion stories.
Now, being at home, I can’t wait for that Zoom call at 10:30 each morning, just to feel a little connected to people (over the age of four!). But the reality of doing that with two kids around – excited that I’m home all the time now – brings another challenge in itself. I can hardly pop them in front of the TV all day – though the temptation is strong, especially when I need to get work DONE.
I know I have it easy compared to so many. This is hard for everyone, and I believe we’ll all come out of this much stronger.
When we started thinking about having a third child, I was pretty nervous. How would I cope with three? I hardly cope with two on a daily basis and I suffered post-natal depression with both children. But then I thought, I’ll be ok. I’ll set up the right support network and we’ll go into this feeling fully prepared.
Like many families, I’m anxious about losing our support network. A few weeks ago, I thought the kindies and daycares might close their doors, but they’re still open even now, which begs another question: “Do I send my kids?” I’ve chosen not to. We’ve also decided to distance ourselves and the kids from their grandparents. We’re lucky to have them on both sides and they usually give us so much help and support on a weekly basis.
The more I’ve thought about losing that support, losing kindy and daycare, losing outings to the zoo or the library or even to the local park, the more I’ve started to freak out. I am suddenly alone, just me and my soon-to-be three kids at home on our own (my husband is still going into a remote office, they’ve divided them into small teams). I’m worried about how I’m going to get through it.
I know in the big picture my worries are not important, and as long as we’re all healthy and safe and not contributing to the community spread of COVID-19, it’s all going to be fine. I know this, but it doesn’t always calm my mind.
Mentally, are we all going to be fine? I think a lot of mums around the world will be having feelings similar to mine, which is why I wanted to share my reality. As the saying goes, we’re in this together.
Of course, there’s a silver lining: there’s something nice about slowing down and watching your kids, not always being in a rush to get them out the door, off to the next activity. So moving forward I’m going to stay positive, to try and channel the innocence and joy of children, and to live life through their eyes for the next little while.
The experience of perinatal depression and anxiety is even tougher during these uncertain global times. Gidget Foundation Australia has launched specialised support services for new and expectant parents. To find out more visit https://gidgetfoundation.org.au/get-support/covid-19-support/
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