Every working mum juggles their career with raising children. But what if your day job is being a dominatrix? Three women tell Cleo Glyde how they balance their kids with their kink.
BLAKE, 40
Has a son, 13, and daughter, 10
“I trained to be a dominatrix at a dungeon for two years, then started working independently three years ago. In my former life, I worked in publishing, was married with two children and had a house in the suburbs – but was absolutely miserable. When an old friend committed suicide, I realised life is too short to be unhappy. After separating from my husband, I became a receptionist at a brothel and threw myself into kink and BDSM [Bondage/Discipline/ Sadism/Masochism], which I had always been drawn to. Apart from the techniques, a dominatrix needs the ability to read and respond to people without them having to speak. Many clients want me to be cold and cruel, but there can be a certain intimacy too. I have a young deaf client who has very heavy sessions. Sometimes we’ll end with his head in my lap as I stroke his hair for 10 minutes. I also do fetish work and receive foot worship, which I love. But everything I do is CFNM (Clothed Female/Nude Male).
Sometimes I’ll be at a fetish event in thigh-high boots and have to rush home, take off the make-up and latex, then pick up my kids. Costume change! In the school holidays, when I need to work, the kids see me in full make-up, with jeans. My daughter thinks it’s great that I get to wear high heels. I always tell her, ‘That’s because I’m the boss!’
Some close friends from the kink world have met my children. The first time a pro-domme (professional dominatrix) saw me with them, she was in shock at what a softie I became. My house is my little sanctuary where I make dinner and give cuddles. My son was only seven when I started, and they are both still oblivious. The kids live with my ex during the week and I have them every second weekend and holidays. When I drop them at school, I really struggle with being around large groups of ‘vanilla’ people, with everybody judging everybody else.
Everyone in my family knows that I’m a pro-domme. They were very distant with me for a long time, but eventually realised that I am exactly the same person – with a different job. I’m glad because this is my passion.”
Selena, 40
Has a son, 9, and daughter, 4
“I tapped into my BDSM side a few years ago when a friend took me to a social event and I discovered the scene. At that time, my daughter was about one. My older child, my son, is autistic, so my involvement in the BDSM community became an important outlet for me, one that helps me deal with the challenges of parenting a child on the spectrum. It is a huge responsibility and requires so many decisions on a daily basis.
When I am in a submissive role, I feel this liberating sense of release in handing control over to someone else. In that time, I feel playful and truly free, in a safe environment that respects my boundaries and has simple, clear rules about consent.
I relate to both the visual and sexual aspect of BDSM: I like some pain but don’t consider myself a true masochist. What I am most into is power and sensual play, with blindfolds, music, ice and wax. My partner and I love dressing up in fetish wear and run a club for like-minded people. We also attend theme events at Sydney’s Hellfire Club. He is not the father of my kids – we met later in the scene and share the lifestyle.
My kids don’t know anything about the BDSM world – just that I dress up and go to parties (they have seen some of our outfits). They love dressing up in costumes themselves of course, so we raid the thrift shops together for treasures. Kids usually know a lot more than parents think, so it’s best to talk to them as soon as they start asking questions and just be open. I’ll explain more when they get curious and are mature enough to understand. Because my son is autistic, he will need to be told useful, truthful, factual information.
Everyday people don’t talk to their kids or family about their sex life because it’s not appropriate, yet people feel entitled to ask those who identify as kinky or have an open relationship about their sex life, even though it is just as personal and intimate.
The other school mums can be very quick to judge, so I keep my BDSM existence separate. The few mums I have told are mostly OK with it and intrigued, joking about how boring and suburban their lives are. I have become close to some amazing women in the kink world, who happen to be mothers, and sometimes we do family stuff together. I maintain two Facebook accounts: one is very conservative and ‘vanilla’ [or non-kink] for my family, including my mum, who is a minister. My ex-husband actually outed me to my parents – he is always up to something! They were distressed and did not cope well, which made things quite di cult for a while but, in the end, it helped me set some healthy boundaries with them. Ultimately, I am still me – that is what the people in my life have to realise.
My kink Facebook account is where I can be my true self. The BDSM community are my people and just get me. They are so supportive, open- minded and genuine – I have found a real sense of belonging there.
We’re all a group of misfits who come together across a huge age range and accept each other fully – something we don’t find anywhere else.”
Charlotte, 42
Has a daughter, 9
“I used to be an experimental ‘immersive sensory’ artist (I would blindfold the audience), but when I had my daughter, I wanted to find a higher-earning job that would still leave me plenty of time to spend with her. I was also having my own post-30 sexual revolution after following up on a long-held fascination with BDSM. I was in a relationship with someone who saw me perform, thought I would be a natural in the sex industry and introduced me to the right people.
I went from being fairly naive to a sex worker in six months, and have now been working professionally for seven years. I am separated from my child’s father, but we have a loving, supportive relationship and split parenting time 50/50. My daughter has no idea what I do. I still say that I am a sensory artist, which is true, just with a different range of tools. Her dad and I agreed to hold off explaining my career until she is past that stage of ‘sex, yuck’ and confident enough to hold her own socially with the social stigma as it arises in the school playground.
I would love to be totally out – I only hide my identity and use face concealing tools on social media to protect my daughter. I fear the judgement of other parents because of the impact on her: if they knew what I did we couldn’t have sleepovers and she wouldn’t be allowed to visit their homes. I still use my sensory artist cover within that environment, but don’t enjoy lying, so I minimise the socialising and keep a low profile. I’m very open with my mum, sisters and close friends, who have stayed in my work apartment and are supportive, but I don’t tell my extended family.
My daughter has found my toys on occasion. She has been to my work apartment and saw a suspension swing. She was like, ‘What’s that?’ I said, ‘It’s a swing, darling. Have a go!’ It’s a very fine line I’m treading with her at the moment. The challenge now is that my daughter is reading, so I can’t leave explicit work notes, laptop or phone messages lying around.
My parenting style is liberal: I encourage her independence, while providing nurturing and support. One day she found a book of 17th century erotica and was curious. I told her they were graphic images and explained that if she is ever exposed to things that make her feel really icky, that it’s a sign she is in a situation she isn’t ready for, and to take herself away. It’s important to teach girls how to read their body signals about consent, and navigate sex and relationships – from asking for what they want to how to say no. Every parent has to deal with the sex issue at some point, and putting your head in the sand just perpetuates our unhealthy culture around sex.”
This article originally appeared in the August issue of marie claire.
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